All Merka in One

10:03am: Right!! Long time no post!

Considering I had a total of 3 days off work last month, its surprising that a Christmas even exsisted!! But it did.

Not alot has happened. Just work. I haven't even seen my family much at all. Its just been very slow.

However we do have a new addition to our family. I got a kitten!! His name is Maigus, he is a pure bread mis-match ragdoll. We wanted to change his name to Neo for two reasons: 1) he flips around like neo 2) one ear is pink, the other ear brown and his forehead is white....neo-politan ice cream *smiles*.





So all in all, December was good. I have a beautiful kitten whom Merlan seems to have taken to... sort of...

9:51pm: Ok... I'm now part of the much talked about 'myspace'.
I worked really hard on it so now I want to show it off!!
It has pics of my kitty, James and I and some others.

Plus, (ATT FANS OF GREYS ANATOMY) I have the Snow patrol song WITH the footage!!!!


so its, www.myspace.com/jenjenjennifish
check it out!

Apart from that, I'm hanging out for my job with T. They keep stuffing me about. First my hours jump from 70p/f to 40p/f then they say "stick around, but I can't say why just yet". then yesterday I busted one of the staff looking at transfer forms. I LIKE V!!! Its not fair that she should have to go!!! I want to work full time, I just don't want to step on anyones toes!!!

The house is a mess. and I have a day off today... so we have a combination. whether anything productive occurs... I can't really garantee!

Oh and we are getting another buddy for Merlan. We figure if they don't get alone at least they're not getting along together. so when James and I go to NZ next year she'll be happy. THATS RIGHT NZ!!!

T has so kindly given me a voucher to use on travel. A $1000 voucher!!! WOOOT!! So I'm going to take a little holiday with my love to NZ and we'll go camper vaning around the north island. Sounds magickal. I hope it happens!!!

And just to re-inforce: CHECK OUT MY 'MYSPACE'!!!!

5:34am: To conclude my forementioned pain, I have returned with my toe intacted, my gums unscathed and my skin still lush with many layers.

The doctor just told me to tape up my foot and put anticeptic on it - done and done
The dentist had to numb my gums, clean the infected area, then send me on my merry way to collect some drugs. Now the numbness has worn off, I feel groggy headed and sore. And to boot I have to get all my wisdoms out and I want to be knocked out cold for that one. So thats another loan!!! Yay.

And I had to call off work today too. Which is great when I want that full time position. But I have a bargaining chip now. The regional manager wants me to train everyone how to sell a certain item. he he. And it has to be me :)

so pain, yes. full time job, no and who mag, weekly.

10:36pm: Right. I am currently in an ouch situation. So naturally I have taken the very, very, scared response... As one would normally react to pain... or that could just be me. So this is a heads up that I am going to go on a scared, whinny hypocondriact rant.

You have been warned.

I'll start from my feet and work myself up. I have I have a toe problem. the stupid thing is inflammed and I don't know why. It can't be in grown. There's nothing in there to be grown in!! I look after my toeses! But no, my toe does not respond to conventional maintenance its just descided to swell up and cause an issue.
= dr jenny's solution -> who needs a fucking big toe any way?? we have two, its a back up if I just so happen to descide that one of my toes is not playing by the rules. Remove the toe.

Next on the menu. I have a pimple. Whilst this is not such a big issue. It is causing my outer epidermis to expand and hurt.
= dr jenny's solution -> remove the chance of getting a pimple ever again. We have many layers of skin so if we lose a few, we'll be no different. The most effective procedure for this would be fire. Side affects: loss of hair.(no need to shave ever again)

Moving on. I have a tooth ache. This could be the root of my problems. its sore and causing a lack of sleep. My wisdom doesn't seem to want to grow nicely. the problem with this is that I like my teeth hence prefer to keep them.
= dr jenny's solution -> remove the gums, they're the ones that are causing the problem any how. Method? let the real doctor figure it out.

So concludes my rant of pain and suffering. I have a date with a doctor and a dentist. Oh that does sound quite nice!!

10:51am: OK. So for the last 3 weeks I have worked 6 days and had one day off. I have been asking for a full time position for 3months now and still nothing. And today I have found out that the whole reason for me not gaining this position is that they don't believe I can handle the hours. BULL SHIT.

To top this I want to do something. I don't know. A trade or something, so I can work towards something better. But I don't know what nor what I would enjoy.

I suppose I want to discover all of this before I find I've lost my youh.

9:05am: Rich Vs Poor
I know so many people who are rich. Like own a 3-4 bedroom home with 2 bathrooms and two garages, are going to world-wide trips and still have three kids living at home. Is this the norm?? I just thought they were well off.. but am I wrong? Am I just poor?

I have also descided that I am going to China at the end of next year/beginning of 2008...by myself. I need to do the grow thing. James' had his time, he had 4 years of it. I need mine. If I have mine, I feel I will be more sure with life decisions. So I'm going to book my trip at the beginning of next year; as soon as I have some money saved up.

8:05am: I just don't know
Well. The lounge room will be decked out. We have a coffee table, lamp table and entertainment unit (matching) on order and in about 2 weeks we'll have our couches! A complete make-over. I'll be having the girls around to enjoy it too.

Other than that I had a very emotional day. I was going fine, then I saw my dad and step mum and I almost broke down in tears. I sometimes get to a point where I lose that feeling you get in your chest, the warm feeling. I currently trying hard to get it back, but its such a struggle. Dad used to tell me that I wear my heart on my sleeve; I prefer it. At least then I feel something. Otherwise I feel nothing and I'm left with a gaping hole full of questions on what defines things; trying to understand something to give it meaning and therefore a feeling.

Some days I feel like I'm lost in a dream. Especially when I look at where I was and now where I am. Even my thoughts, feelings and motivations compared to now. I feel like a lesser image of my self. Like my potential was reached and now I'm on my route to decline. People were ushering me to grow up and now that I have their enthusiasm seems to have died. I just wish I knew what I wanted. And that I was sure of it. If I knew, I would be able to pursue it...I know I would really like to be a grandmother... but is that truly a life aspiration? I wish I was sure.

10:41pm: Milan (Grandad)
Born 84 years ago in Croatia where he grew up on a farm. He met my Nana and they grew and learned together. When the 2nd world war ended their lives weren't safe so they left with their newly born son to Rome as refugees. In another country without a language and a home to stand by and no italians stood by them, they live for 5 years as vagabonds. There my dad was born. A waif in the refugee crowd, just another face. Before long they were shipped off to a country that they had only read about. With their one suit case and their few pence they stood on the Australian shores; without a language, without a home, without a friend, without education and without enough money to feed one child let alone two.

They Fought. They Won.

Many years later, they owned a home, they learned a language, graduated with honours, feed their children and themselves. But my Grandfather wasn't happy. He was full of regrets. After both of their children had fully grown and moved out of home, my grand parents divorced.

This is the grandad I knew. My grandad who lived alone. Who we joked with even though there was a language barrier. Who was always full of energy and ready to play. He even asked me one day if I was going to sell my cat and get another kitten because "cats are not playful". He made awesome toys from scraps and a recipe for a tomato salad which was lost when his dementia set in.

My grandad. Broken in a hospital for the last 3 years. Forgetting he's in is 80's, forgetting he has a son let alone two, forgetting he's divorced, forgetting himself. Yet he was still my grandad. He got constant visits from a fellow dementia patient, whom he did not like. At this point he could only speak and understand croatian, so he would always ask this woman to go away. But she always came back. So. grandad took his own initiative and when she came one day he listened intently. Casually picked his glass up for a drink then threw it at the woman. The now drenched dementia patient couldn't believe it, so she slapped him. Grandad didn't mind, he'd won. Come the next day there she was again. Grandad.

2 weeks ago he had a stroke. He survived. After all he's been through he was too tough to die from that. No, he lived for a week.

On Sunday the 9th of October his last breath passed from his lips and his strong spirit is now free.

Goodbye Grandad

6:18pm: Seems the thing to do

( getting to know me through images )

5:51pm: September 23rd
I just want to ask if anyone could write how they view the 23rd of September .

Its Ostara and the Spring Equinox.

My Uncle is getting married on this day and he has asked me to write something on the significance of that day.

I would love anyones help, plus it would be great to get a personal perspective on what this day means to you.

Ta, and thanks in advance!!


*BTW, the 23rd is my b'day, REMEMBER!!!*

11:02pm: I am deferring!!!!

And the more I think about it the better I feel. I don't want to be studying. I'll definitely continue it later in life. But right now, I just want to enjoy life. 17 years of school is quite enough I think.

I'll be putting in that application some time next week. I think a party is in order! ...checks pockets.. maybe next week..

10:02pm: I want to work full time.

I feel like Bilbo's butter analogy "too little butter spread thin over too much bread"

There seems to be no consistancy in life. I have to do homework but that depends whether I'm working or visiting family. Then I can only visit family when I'm not working. Then Ihave to go to the gym or its just a waste of money.
So perhaps once a week for 3hours I can really relax...but it isn't relaxing, because I'm thinking of what I should be doing with my time and I feel guilty for not doing it. And nothing can stop this guilt! I have tried!

So I think I need to take a break. If my boss can offer me a full time position then I'll defer my course for a year, if not I don't know what I'll do. I just feel like I can't breathe properly. Perhaps full time will give me that consistancy and James and I can share weekends together too. It would be nice...

So please, have kind thoughts about me getting the full time job.

8:58am: Ok, so my pay check was bigger than what I expected. But I know I have this loan looming over my head so... spending money seems wrong.

I'm off to word again today. And my GOD did I go to the gym last night!! Death would have been a kinder fate! it was an aerobic session called combat... I feel like I have been beaten all over will a bat!! And now I'm off to work from 12-8 tonight...

The house is a complete mess. between myself working around 70 hours over the fortnight and James working 80.. there hasn't been much time or vigor for cleaning. Let alone talking! too much energy required!

so I'm off to see my nan, then off to work (repeated for the 3rd time, I know).

TTFN

1:33pm: 23 months in 6 days
Well. James and I sure have almost made it to two years now. And as ever we are in each others pockets.
He came home for lunch today which was nice. We've recently started rewatching the entire series of Angel... and I have the entire series of Buffy on lay buy too!!!

Any how, it would be nice to do something on our 24mth. It doesn't seem that long, but it is a mile stone. I know I have been rather immature and insecure with the fact that he's had girlfriends before me..and I haven't had anyone before him...but we've made it to almost two years and that has to say something.

Oh, I'm currently yellow... Visibly so. I'm not so worried. I mean I could be green. Though I didn't colour myself in this colour my skin is very yellow. Come on liver, don't fail me now!!

Full moon tonight. Feels really different. I don't think we'll see much of it down in VIC though

9:18pm: Well... I seem to have missed updating for two months now! Just been busy, and yes I know that is no excuse. Especially if my free time was spent reading a book!... I've gone through abour 5 since last time I've updated. Right now I'm reading The Farseers Trilogy by Robin Hobb. Pretty good. Pretty Damn good.

I'm changing course aswell. I know, people are saying "but your half way through!" but my family is saying "thank god! I'm glad you're getting out of that professional waitressing course!!!" By the way... I was doing a Bachelor of Business majoring in Tourism and Hospitality Management (hence the waitressing)

But I am changing, because I need to. I've spent this year growing and, besides, I think it is silly for people to jump out of being a kid and into an education which is supposed to be the gate-way for the rest of their life! *stress* No wonder there are so many juvenile delinquents, they're just kids with the weight of the world on them...

Jumped the point again. Changing to Bachelor of Arts majoring in Antropology, doing two years of Japanese and English. This will give me the leg up to be either a secondary teacher (1st preference), cousellor (2nd preference) or a marketer (3rd preference).

Life is peachy. Merlan is as fluffy and as human as ever (did I mention fat?). James is a blur of purring professionalism. My family are the molten lava that is earth. And I am quite content sitting right here, loving them and the new friends I have made.

Purr Purr Purr

9:55pm: Bit stressed.

Homework is getting on top of me.. I have got this 2000 word essay (which is nothing) due next monday... I haven't started.. That being said; I'm also working 33 hrs this week! SOOOOO... I think I've worked out I'll be giving up my good quality sleeping and tv watching time for (urg) homework... which I could possibiliy be doing now.

My main motivation to getting it done is I want to go out this weekend. My gal Megan has just met a bloke and I pushed it along a bit... Anyhow, I want to go out. Haven't for a while and I want to get into my fishnets and short black skirt. I want to try on James' 6inch leather black boots, straighten my hair out(I think its down to mid-bum now), get my newly founded large yummy bosom in a nice top and just have a good night! I'd love to get James out there too. At this stage he hasn't said yes or no... which is sort of promising...

So life has been better since I got a job. I'm more productive, talkative and not afraid of having a fun time. Slowly I'm establishing my "don't go there's" (aka morals) and yeah.

Now for some Japanese!

Ohaio!! Onamaewa? Sodesuka! Nansaidesuka? Watashi no neko wa gojin desu. Sayonara!

12:24pm:

You scored as Idealist. Idealism centers around the belief that we are moving towards something greater. An odd mix of evolutionist and spiritualist, you see the divine within ourselves, waiting to emerge over time. Many religious traditions express how the divine spirit lost its identity, thus creating our world of turmoil, but in time it will find itself and all things will again become one. </td> Postmodernist 100% Idealist 100% Materialist 81% Cultural Creative 75% Existentialist 69% Romanticist 63% Modernist 56% Fundamentalist 0% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

11:00pm: I met someone who is wonderful. She is nice. And I mean it in the sense of she could not even think of harming another being. She has kept herself in an innocence that, even though she is 30, none of her terrible experiences have taken her niceness away from her.

She does not bitch. Never back stabs.

Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if people actually believed in others? In their honest good intentions?

Too bad they don't.

I wish people would not back stab on situations they have not even investigated. Its petty and creates unnecessary and uncalled for cruelty.
Those who are doing this, please stop it.
No wonder so many people have to emotionally distance themselves from the possible hurt.

And I thought this type of behaviour was more potent in immature high school students. Guess I was wrong.

9:37pm: From now on, no person who is not on my friends list can view my posts.

I've had enough of gutless people who sign in as anonymous just to get
a kick out of pushing people around without the responsibility that
follows.

So if there is anyone who is interested in reading my LJs let me know.
Otherwise, back off

[ EDIT ] I.P. Logging has been turned on and only registered users
can comment on my journal now. If I get any more messages like before,
they'll be reported.

10:25pm: I snapped.
I broke down.
This has never happened before.
I don't understand.
I'm scared

5:39pm: I think I have finally cracked. I hate not having money. I mean HATE it!
I HATE to tears!! My friend that I haven't seen in a really long time has
an art exposition tonight and i can't go. Why?? Cos I have no money for fuel.
Oh and by transport?? only a bus, two trains and a tram, then going home would
be immediate after getting there. I'M SICK OF IT!

I haven't been able to hang out for ages, with my mates. I even have to think
twice before even starting to organise things, because I CAN'T AFFORD IT!

Its bullshit. Sure I'm surviving. I have food. I have a roof over my head.
Hell!! We even have a car. God Forbid if we drive it!

I'm sick of it, I hate it, I want it gone.

5:36pm: ok. I have thought and thought and thought.. and I think I even thunk. I'm pretty sure my 'secret' person is:

Sally

You gave it away on the tired bit hun. I hope you're alright...

I worked in the garden today!! IT LOOKS GOOD! I can go in the backyard now with no fear of spiders!!! Merlan got psyched too, she loves the new area to play in!

I think I might have another party on the 22nd of December for Litha... I'm not sure yet... but I think it would be nice.. In which case I would have to send out invites in the next week.
I'm going out tonight. I think its time to start being included, instead of secluded. It was a choice we didn't necessarily make, but its something that happens in new couples, I've come to believe. That in the first months, you want to spend as much time as possible with them. And then after that, enjoy mutual friends and events. Call me old fashioned, but after the first few months, its as if you launch yourselves in to society as a couple.
...
Which comes to another thing.. I've designed a very special dress, for a particular day. And I'm really psyched about the dress, cos its really really pretty and I look forward to wearing it, though a question needs to be asked first to wear it.. lol, I hope that was cryptic... I'm just excited that I drew a pretty dress!!!

8:50pm: This secret person thingy is really getting to me!! I can't think who!! I'm racking my brains out!! So far I have come down to three people... Allyson (but it doesn't sound like her), Ka Lip (definitly doesn't sound like him and Bee (hopeful). So I'm really at a loss, But I'll keep guessing any how. This LJ its:

Ka Lip

.. clues "a whole bunch of us" = high school friends?? My brain has been switched off for the good part of this year. I'd hate to think that I've forgotten a friend that much!!

A while ago James gave me a dedication ring. I wear it on the same finger that he put it on the first time he put it on me. I bearly ever take it off. Living out of home has been so fulfilling. I went for tea at my parents house last night (like I do weekly) but this time I went with out James. It felt so weird. Like I was living at home again and things were back to how they were before James. It was nice.. but I could never go back again. Living at home would have been so pointless and unsatisfying. I'm glad I am where I am today, even if it took a hell of a lot of pain.

11:03pm: The worst is over I think... I did my accounting exam and if someone could tell my why accounting is in the Tourism and Hospitality course, I'd love to hear it!!!
Maria is back at home. I was worried... Apparently she tore appart my brothers $2500 computer and my dad kicked her out because he "won't have violence in his home". Good on him. Maria has no right to be violent. Sure she was drunk again, but thats no excuse for violence! Its not right! What is she teaching my brother??? He already drinks freely at parties... and everything else. He's only 16.. Thats not so bad, but he started when he was 14. I think its because of her.. and my real mum.

No one's perfect. And one wise person once told me that "to be a parent you are detined to fail". Which is true, the grass is always greener.. but I just thought there were somethings that you wouldn't do around your kids. Like getting violently drunk all the time or trying to kill yourself because you can't live anymore. Its stupid!! Really tells the kid how much their parents love them!

I'm not saying that I'm a sad case, hell no! I'm sick of that!! Why whimper!! There are so many other kids in WORSE scenerios!! Its just as wrong to complain about stupid little things as it is to get drunk in front of your kids.
I'm upset at the whole thing. Not how it affects me, more how if is affecting my brother. Its bullshit.

Anyhow, James is out doing his job thing and I'm at home, bored and nervous. I hate being home like this. I hope he comes home soon. He's bringing Dylan too!! Which is cool..
James hinted that we might get another kitten to keep Merlan company!! That would be sooooo cool!!


Anyhow I just want to guess who this "secret admirer". I think its someone who reads my LJ anyhow... Though I have a feeling its Lucas... I dont know... So I'm going to start a segment of guess who, each time I right a LJ. Here's the first one:

Lucas!

Let me know!

4:59am: I think my parents have split up...
I know they have.. but i mean the second lot
I don't want my dad grow old alone, its too sad.